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Main Story

Thomas wakes up naked, strapped to a table in an examination room on an alien spaceship, with an alien sitting on his chest. Rather than cutting him up into tiny bite-sized pieces, the alien, Zircon, offers him a choice: we can do Boring Examination Routines and I wipe your memory of this, or I give you a night to remember– by which I mean we fuck.

He chooses the fuck option, and discovers his captor is inexperienced at this, and also adorable?? During the fuck, they accidentally mind-link, which is a new experience for everyone involved.

The human wakes up again in his own bed, believing it a dream.. until he sees Zircon’s “number” burned into the ceiling of his room, with the request to call him. How?? That’s for you to figure out, human. He chooses to post it on social media, which attracts the attention of Chaz, the local alien-obsessed weirdo and Thomas’ manager. Chaz suggests he come down to the evil cult lair his “friends”‘ hideout to check out some suspiciously similar symbols. Thomas suggests he go fuck himself, but does it anyway.

In front of God, his co-workers and everyone, Thomas calls Zircon’s number and gets an answer. The alien, wary of their audience, sets up a connection with Thomas’ smartphone for further communication and croaks a verbal warning to everyone else before hanging up. Thomas cannot deal with any of this and legs it. Zircon calls him. Thomas continues to be unable to deal, so our intrepid xenofucker calmly points out they can discuss this in person, in Thomas’ apartment, because ze knows where you live.💙

Unfortunately for Zircon, Thomas’ girlfriend Vanessa gets home first. She is tired and cranky from jet-lag, and is not in the vicinity of fucking around with home intruders. Thomas comes home to find her trying to turn zem into a little grey purse, which would be very soft but not very fashionable.

Crisis averted, the trio sit down around a cheese pizza and discuss the situation. Zircon mentions the fucking that turned into a mind-link, and how hot that was, so like maybe we could keep that up? Thomas is not a good translator and points out ze called him disgusting earlier. The alien has a crisis of faith and starts to leave, only to be stopped by Vanessa, who is morbidly curious to see how this will turn out. She goes to bed, leaving the xeno duo to share their first kiss, but not much else as Thomas zonks out on the couch.

The morning after, Zircon is still there, Thomas is still tired and Vanessa made breakfast.

Chapter Two: Assimilation

Breakfast Negotiations

Shockingly, Zircon didn’t leave while Thomas fell back asleep, but even made zemself at home by completely remodeling the shower. After flexing zer telekinetic might (that’s how you woo humans, right?), Zircon makes another request: to live on-site with the two humans, for one Earth year, for maximum dick access.

Unfortunately the discussion with both humans gets bogged down by little details like breaking and entering and attempted murder, and Zircon’s choice of breakfast drink serves as another distraction as the caffeine content makes his superior alien brain trip absolute balls.

When Zircon comes to, the humans are holding zem (to make zem stop vibrating across the room), so ze assumes the contract is sealed. Ze lays claim to the couch.



Side Stories

Twig comes ’round the Burger Shack to ask Snake out on a date if they want to come see the death metal band Gore Gods with him, since he has two tickets and Beef is unable to attend. They enthusiastically agree.

Their twitterpated staring after Twig as he leaves attracts Chaz’s attention, who uses this opportunity to be a gigantic asshat, including misgendering his own sibling in front of witnesses. This asshattery motivates Snake to walk out on the job and catch up to Twig… a shit ton of hours before the show is supposed to start.

While looking for time-killing ideas, Snake remembers Chaz wanted them to pick up his phone, and since he’s a manager and kind of their boss they can’t just leave it. So Snake decides to drag Twig to Chaz’s secret alien cult lair — empty, this time, because it’s a work day — to retrieve it, letting him explore and trash their brother. Twig does not miraculously turn on the alien communication device before it’s necessary in the main story, but he DOES accidentally break some boards in front of a closed door, which opens into a seemingly endless tunnel of darkness.

So of course they have to explore that.

Highlights include: human bones, handholding, mysterious shadows, some ancient booze that tastes like death, Snake’s phone battery running out so they have to use Chaz’s flip phone for light instead — and eventually, a maze of empty beer bottles that sends them in circles. They check Chaz’s phone and discover that the trip that felt like maybe two hours tops has been FOURTEEN HOURS.. but more importantly, the metal show started without them!

Their egress is blocked by a strange humanoid mole creature, which does not appreciate having a light shined in its face and screams at them before giving chase. Twig trips on a beer bottle and falls ass over teakettle, but manages to punch a smaller critter before it can eat his face. They keep running — only to find a dead end.

Full summary in 6 more pages.